gray scale photo of a pregnant woman

Dear me: Postpartum Journey

Dear me two weeks ago,

you were right!

Everything does get easier and better

I just know
I just know
One day
It’ll be smooth
And your cry
Won’t make me want to cry
I just know your little face
Will grow to be my whole world
Right now it is
But it’s also the hardest
Its also
So scary and heavy and hard
Inside my body
To hold what happened
Over four five forever days
Of hard
Terror
All alone no help no relief
And then you came and the high was real
And then the fall was realer
And now we’re just crawling our way back
Sometimes it feels like flying
And everything is fine and how could it not be?
But I just know one day
You’ll be bigger
And I’ll be wider
Big enough to hold all this
Big enough to hold me as I am now
Scared little sweet little now me
And tell her
It passes
Whisper that nights got easier
Sing that I felt back to myself
Shout – I promise I promise I take care of you! Like we always do.
That’s how the story ends
I hold you
I catch you over snd over
And Yossi and gd too
But mostly me
Mostly I learned how to hold your hand through this
Learned how to let the tears flow
How not to take it so heavy
How to just let it be when I couldn’t sleep
And here I am now
Tired
Teary
I very much wish to imagine another moment
Another time
Another life
And yet
I love him like he’s been missing forever
I love his hand clinging to mine
He is perfect
I feel him before he wakes up
It’s too much
But it is love
My container has simply exploded
And all the pieces and parts
Are bloody and healing and stitches all over the floor
And my
Mind
Oh my poor sweet mind
She has been most ravaged
And late at night
It’s treatury
And yet, My mind will heal too
My body
My mind
My heart
slowly slowly
The shock waves will
Ripple back and hold me
Lapping against my most sore parts
They will say
You did it
You’re doing it
It passes
And when it does
You get wiser
Wider
Big open mama arms
That hold him and you
And all this too

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